Under the Hood
You know that story about “Little Red Riding Hood”, the little
girl who goes to visit her granny and gets eaten by the Big Bad Wolf
yadayadayada… well, its fake. Yup! Sorry to burst your bubble kids but, it’s
all wrong. The real story goes like this…
First of all, it’s Red Riding Hood,
it’s not little, nor it was nor it will ever be. Second, is that well, Red
Riding Hood was a guy. A strong, tall, handsome man with bright green eyes,
tanned skin and of course with a beautiful pure heart. Like every day, wearing
his dark black boots, and his scarlet red hood. Always roaming around the
woods, with his five foot tall guitar axe. The one item he’d never let anyone
touch. He’d use it most of the time to play enigmatic music and slaughter the
bad guys. Always keeping an eye on the strange unwelcomed creatures who’d put a
foot in Hoodland, Germany. A small village with the kindest people you could
ever meet.
One day Red went to a local tavern
to get some rest after deceasing three ogres. “Seems to me you’ve had enough
today after that.”- said Albus, the tavern owner. “Well you gotta do what you
gotta do Albus. Keeping everyone safe is my top priority.”- replied Red with a
smile. The time passed, and before you know it Red was laying down after 6
beers and 3 shots of Russian pure vodka. It was only then that he wasn’t
securing the village, and something horrible happened to the woman he deeply
loved. Jumping out of a deep sleep, Red stood up and started to gaze around to
see why the people were making a lot of noise so sudden. “Red! Red! You’ve got
to see what happened. It’s about your grandmother Agatha!”- shouted one of the
villagers. “Granny? No!”-replied Red. He started to run as fast as he could, to
find a lot blood on his grandmother’s bedroom. Crushed bones, little bits of
guts and the blue robe she always wore, all ripped apart. On the wall, he saw a
note that said-“Oh boo hoo… the precious man everyone loves, Red Riding Hood,
couldn’t make it to his granny. Too little, too bad… Well, you know where to
find me Red… Ciao! –Love, Scarletta”. Red was so furious and felt all the
feelings at once in this moment. Grief for the loss of a loved one, and hatred
for the murderer. Scarletta, the Big Bad Wolf, was the wickedest of them all.
What can you expect from an Italian? Dark minded, practically a walking around
furry version of Satan. His heart, no pure nor filled with love, but dark evil.
“It’s on. If Scarletta wants war…
then war shall come to him.”- said Red out of the blue, and prepared himself to
kill his granny’s murderer. Off he went to the dark side of the woods, where
Scarletta was waiting for the battle to start. This side of the woods was
filled with darkness, fear and retribution thanks to Red. “I can’t believe this
really happened. Poor granny… Nothing can stop me now. I will avenge my
granny’s death!”-said Red to himself while jumping on some huge rocks. Red was
heading to the Mountain of Obscurity, where Scarletta lived. Once he started
climbing the mountain, a lot of bloody red rats were making their way out of
their small caves to look at what was climbing up. Finally, after half an hour,
Red arrived at the darkest and biggest of the caves at the top. “Well, well…
look who we have here. If it isn’t Red Riding Hood himself, IN THE FLESH LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN!”- said Scarletta with a welcoming yet menacing tone. “Well, not
for long after I crush you, you piece of…”-“Now, now Red… watch your language
big boy. You know, it’s too bad you weren’t there to savor how tasty your
lovely granny was. Such delicacy you know.”- interrupted Scarletta. As soon as
Red heard these words, he prepared his guitar axe and started playing the
darkest of toons. Scarletta, jumped at him with his sharp claws, and left a
huge scar on Red’s rib cage. “What’s wrong Red? Too much.”- Red hit Scarletta
on the face, dragged him all over the ground and threw him against the cages
walls. “You were saying?!”- told Red to Scarletta, who was too messed up after
all he received. Red went to Scarletta, grabbed him by his hair and split open
his belly, leaving him without guts.
After
that, Red decided to chop his head off and leave it hanging from a tree at the
entrance of Hoodland. So that every evil creature would think twice before
stepping foot in this lovely village, and spread darkness upon the people. Red,
was still bummed about his loss, but the people made Granny a special monument,
so that she would be admired and remembered for her sweet persona and kind soul
she was. The people celebrated the death of Scarletta, who was nothing against
Red Riding Hood, honored Red as the hero he’s always been, and lived happily
ever after.
This, kids is the real story of Red Riding Hood.
No ponies, no songs, no infancy, but action and heroism. Letting you know that
no one gets away with anything under the hood. Alas, the greatest story ever
told.
